We closed out the safari with a last morning drive and, like every other drive we’ve been on, it was even better than the last. Sadly, no leopard for us this go-around but instead we first spied a big male lion with three lady lioness friends and then the main event was a front row seat to a lioness farther away carrying around her teeny tiny cubs in her mouth and scouting her hunt for the day. At closest, we were about 9 feet away. The cars don’t register with them at all; as Erick explained it to us, all the see is a big box moving along – not the people inside it. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Pretty nuts.
I’ve identified the singular thing I will not miss when we leave this magical heaven and that is being dusty, always. You know in the Sandlot when Timmy and Tommy lead the gang in creating a sick hovering vacuum device that’s gonna suck up the Babe Ruth ball from The Beast only The Beast crushes the tube and it ends up backfiring and exploding all over Tommy and he emerges as a sad, dejected ash monsters? Well I look like Tommy. All the time.
That said, I’d stay here and be dusty forever and I am so sad we have to move on even though moving on means heading to the land of clear seas and cocos de mer where they actually have a “National Cider.” I have a few closing thoughts on safari time before it’s all over; see below and at some point I’ll attempt to create some more technical posts that may help anyone actually looking for travel advice and not just stories about how I like hyenas and look like Tommy from The Sandlot.
There’s So Much To Learn, Even If You’re Already Addicted To Wildlife Documentaries
Dazzles and towers and prides, oh my. We are learning so many new animal pack names and each is better than the one before. A group of giraffes is a tower (I know, it’s so great), a group of zebras is a dazzle or a zeal, and male zebras hang with harems of lady zebras or all-dude-zebra bachelor herds. Matriarch females lead elephant herds and they LOVE their babies. Cheetah travel in brother packs and are only 5th on the predator chain, under lions, hyenas, wild hunting dogs, and leopards. Hippos migrate at night across actual trodden-down “highways” they stamp out to graze before heading back to stay cool in the mud pits during the day.
The Big Five may be the main attraction on safari, but there’s also an Ugly Big Five, which is just as awesome. And we caught all 5 uglies, which makes them the winners for me. Hyena (still want one, they are not ugly), warthog (2nd pet choice here), wildebeest (I feel so bad for these guys they are cute and the Maasai make fun of them and say that when God made all his creatures, the wildebeest was last and he’d run out of parts so he stitched together a bunch of leftovers), vulture (these guys are, indeed, nasty), and marabou stork (the name is so pretty though!). No clue why crocs aren’t part of the Ugly Big 5. They are gross.
Bataleur Camp is Magnificent
I sincerely don’t want to leave our home at the Bateleur Camp, and if you decide to go to Kenya on safari (which you should), you really must stay here. I’m going to write a post on it with as much info as I can because it truly is the best. Magical palace tents, bleeding color sunsets while elephants and buffalo and hippos shuffle by, service that is so good it’ll unsettle you delivered by humans who are so kind you may or may not cry when you leave (whatever it’s dusty), excellent food that seems to reappear every time you blink, private G&T bars because of course and WHY doesn’t every hotel have one, never ending free wine, and oh that pool that looks over the entire Maasai Mara. And make sure to ask for Erick, who is the best pal and guide we could ask for.
If you have your honeymoon or anniversary there, they’ll also do all kinds of extra special wonderful things. I walked in on Cedrick our butler creating a surprise rose petal bubble bath when we weren’t supposed to be in the tent and I started to cry again and gave him a hug and promptly scared him away but the good news was the bubble bath was already set up.
Stay. Here.
Tusker Beer For The Win!
As always, we were excited for the National Beer. Tusker takes the cake. It is delicious. There is also White Cap, which is just dandy, but I enjoy the label on Tusker more and it’s what Erick packed for us every day and didn’t judge us for opening at 10 am and making dad jokes about how it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, so it wins as the best beer.
Technical Hiking Boots For Safari Are Overrated.
Seriously. I spent so much time trying to figure out the best hiking boots for the safari and thought they’d be so critical to surviving in “the bush.” So I ultimately bought a big burly poop brown pair of boots from REI that I had a physical aversion to. Well I’d like to break it to you that I wore them exactly once, felt like a frumpy idiot clumsy idiot and was sweaty AF. Post Day 1, I happily wore my Rainbows the entire rest of the time.
Strongly consider this move if you decide to go on a safari in Kenya and you are wondering what the best safari hiking boots are. 99% of the time it isn’t permitted to go outside of the car anyway unless it’s for a fast bush pee or a pre-planned meal in some nice serene spot. It is hot as the dickens out during midday and your feet with be sweating balls. It is dusty as dusty can be and your feet and shoes are going to get grimy no matter what. You can snag some super original “look at my feet and toes up on this vacation!” pics.
Bring Rainbows or Chacos. Keep the receipt for the pair of hiking boots you’ll nervously buy anyway. Thank me later. And if you are dead set on getting some safari boots, go ahead and get that cool Insta-ready pair whose store description reads “Best For Urban Exploring and Adventuring To Work.” They’ll be fine and you’ll feel cool.
Malaria Pills = Freddy Krueger Comes With You On Vacation
The bottom line here equals Malaria pills are awful and are cast by Satan himself out of the evil, terror-filled wax from his own insidious flaming ears holes. “These might give you nightmares,” they say. “But don’t worry, they’re loads better than the OTHER ones that will give you worse nightmares plus make you vomit,” they say. Well Kevin and I took these as instructed starting 2 days before our flight and we both have had the deep deep pleasure of having the most gnarly and horrifying of nightmares for nearly a week now.
I have nightmares as it is, and I regularly wake up screaming and being insane; what made my malaria pill nightmares extra special was that they were insanely realistic, infinitesimally detailed, and all focused on a 3rd wedding that I forgot to plan and people were PISSED about it. Mind you I think I maybe had one wedding nightmare pre-wedding, so it was super fun to have horrifying stress-and-guilt-ridden dreams about it AFTER IT WAS OVER for A WEEK. Kevin’s nightmares were more varied and creative but equally lucid and included me running after someone I hated into a minefield and then stepping on one and exploding into the sky. So that’s great.
It’s very good thing that our actual honeymoon days were rejuvenating and relaxing because despite early bedtimes almost every night, our sleep was – literally- the stuff of nightmares. If you need to take preventive malaria medication, do some research and talk to a doctor and try to find a good regimen that will work for you and your body!!! I really wish I had been more inquisitive and done this.
My writing brain exhausts me for now; onward and upward to the next leg of the trip even though I’d stay here forever. More soon on forthcoming underwater adventures, attempts at scuba diving, and island-themed adventuring.